


Deep Space 9: In Search of Straights

by NervousAsexual



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Headcanon, Headcanon for Days, Multi, all your faves are lgbtq+, make trek not war, thestpositivityproject
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 12:29:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11737056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: The rumors say that there is not a single cisgender straight person on Deep Space 9. Intrepid reporter Jake Sisko investigates.





	Deep Space 9: In Search of Straights

If you want to be safely away from straight cisgender people regardless of species, go to Deep Space 9.

At least, that's what the rumors around Starfleet Academy have to say.

"It never even occurred to me," cadet and former DS9 resident Nog told me. "But when they said it, I thought that it was true. I don't remember seeing anybody who fit that description."

I wondered if the rumors had any basis in reality, and caught up with Captain Benjamin Sisko in the security office.

"Honestly," Captain Sisko told me, "I haven't seen a straight person since setting foot on this station. No, wait--I guess we did have one straight ensign in that first year but they were trans so it doesn't count."

"I can confirm this," Constable Odo said. "Every census taken confirms it. Straight cisgender people seem to avoid Deep Space 9."

"Lies," said Quark, whose purpose in the security office was unclear. "I am as straight as they come."

"My mistake." Odo consulted the latest census report. "You had put down 'hetero-flexible' on the voluntary orientation report."

"For tax purposes."

"Then you scribbled that out and wrote ceterosexual."

"I can't even spell that."

"Then you scribbled that out as well and wrote a question mark. And then there's a bunch of teeth marks. And... I believe this is a drawing of a tribble. And angry tribble, if these slash marks are supposed to be eyebrows."

"Sexualities are hard," Quark said, and left.

"There are no straight people that I know of," Major Kira told me. "I killed them all with my aggressively lesbian aura." When pressed further she offered that "All the deaths were accidental."

"Oh no," science officer Jadzia Dax said. "There are straight people. Why just yesterday I was down in the replimat talking to Garak and he told me in this very masculine heterosexual way how much he loved women and how little he enjoyed..." At this point she began to laugh hysterically and apologized for, quote, "Yanking your chain."

"I believe Dax is in the same boat," local tailor Elim Garak told us. "Which is to say, not particularly attached to the gender binary. I've invited both her and Odo to my gender non-conforming club, but thus far neither has come."

When asked Jadzia said she'd never received an invitation, but come to think of it she had found a series of increasingly encrypted files on data sticks scattered around the replimat but had assumed Garak had left them for Julian. Odo said, quote, "There is no club. It is Garak sitting at his usual table at Quark's, flirting with Dr. Bashir and being vaguely suspicious."

My search for a ranking cisgender heterosexual person next took me down to engineering. Keiko O'Brien is widely known as being pansexual, but what of Miles?

When he was done shouting at a subspace emitter and beating it repeatedly with a hyperspanner, Chief Engineer O'Brien told me, "Sorry, kid. Aromantic." He then returned to assaulting the emitter.

I was quickly running out of ideas. The last place I thought to look was Quark's. Maybe he had heard things.

"He's not in, hon," Leeta told me. "And he's also not especially straight. Me? No, no, I'm trans. And while I'm not going to out Rom, he doesn't fit the criteria you're looking for either."

I asked if she knew of anyone who fit the bill.

"Not as far as I know," she  said. "Although... Morn's never come out as anything, so who can tell?"

I then approached Morn and he told me about a number of different things, none of them relevant.

So in conclusion, there might be cis straight people on DS9, but I certainly can't find them.

 


End file.
